Pride Cometh Before It All
I’m here (as a therapist) to make a case for healthy pride and to talk about the ways we can build a sense of confidence, self-worth, and pride without the guilt or shame.
The toddling baby looks over to her mom’s outstretched arms.
“You can do it, sweetie! You are doing such a good job!”
The baby gingerly moves her foot, wobbling as she figures out how to connect her desire to step to her body’s cues.
She rocks on her tiny legs for a little while longer, unanchored without something to hold.
Then she falls.
She sits, gathering her bearings for just a moment, and looks over to her mom, her eyes asking, “Is this okay? Am I okay?”
Her mom smiles, “It’s okay, baby! You’re doing so good. Let’s keep trying!”
Her mom lifts her up, helps her into a good standing position, then lets go again, moving back to give her daughter some space.
“C’mon, sweetie! You’ve got this. Walk to Mama!”
The baby meets her mom’s eyes again, smiling. She wobbles but feels a sense of purpose, instinct propelling her forward. Her mom’s smile inviting her.
She steps. And steps again. And steps again as she falls into her mom’s arms to a chorus of cheers from everyone in the room.
She did it and she feels proud.
WHAT IS PRIDE?
What do you think of when you hear the word “pride”? Maybe it brings to mind images of rainbows, June parades, and speeches advocating for acceptance. Maybe it comes with images of sitting in church, hearing the harms, the potential pitfalls of giving into self-importance, the sermons on humility. Maybe it’s connected to scripture, “Pride cometh before the fall.”
Regardless of what you’ve heard about pride or the context connected to that word for you, I’m here (as a therapist) to make a case for healthy pride and to talk about the ways we can build a sense of confidence, self-worth, and pride without the guilt or shame we’ve been taught to connect to it. The definition I use when sitting with a client and working on building self-confidence or identity exploration is “a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.” We could all use a little more pleasure and satisfaction in our own achievements or qualities. We could all use a little more pride.
HOW TO BUILD SELF-WORTH, CONFIDENCE, AND PRIDE
Self-compassion
It’s nearly impossible to build a strong sense of self-worth without self-compassion, so we’re starting here. Self-compassion is the fertile soil for any seeds of growth. When you can be kind to yourself, forgiving of your own failures, and respond to yourself the way a friend might respond during your hardest moments, you’re setting the groundwork for beautiful healing and a strong sense of self-worth. Dr. Kristin Neff has an excellent website full of free resources about self-compassion (self-compassion.org). I recommend it to all of my clients.
Connect to Your Body
How much do you notice your body throughout the day? Not “ugh, look at that extra wrinkle” or “these pants are too tight,” but actually notice the way your body’s sensations shift with your emotions? Does your chest begin to race or feel tighter when you’re getting anxious? Do your shoulders tense up when you’re angry? Do you feel light and calm when you’re content? So often we forget that our body is a vital source of information for us. Make it a practice to notice the way your body sends emotional cues. These cues can give you information about your own needs or likes and dislikes. Use that information to know how to make healthier, more confident choices.
Notice the Parts
Sometimes there are parts of you that resist the idea that you can be confident or have pride. They may be holding onto old messaging from other periods of your life. It’s important to notice what these parts are saying in their resistance so you can help them start to shift that dialogue. If you have a self-critical part of you that tends to bully you or say mean things throughout your day, try to redirect it. Compassionately and confidently let that part of you know that you don’t need its criticism anymore, and you can help it find a better way to talk to you. Sometimes these resistant parts need a little gentle re-parenting. Give it a try and see how they respond.
Heal Your Inner Child
Yes, you have an inner child, and yes, he/she/they could probably use some attention. Many of us have inner children who internalized harmful messages about our self-worth or our abilities. They internalized these messages because that was necessary and protective for them at the time to fit in with their family structure. But it’s not necessary anymore. Get to know when and how your inner child shows up throughout your day. See if you can tune into some of the ways he/she/they need you. This is another instance of some gentle inner re-parenting. It’ll go a long way.
Explore
When was the last time you played? When was the last time you did something that scared you just a little? Or tried something new, even though you knew you’d be bad at it? Building pride often comes with building tolerance for discomfort in the unknown. We did this all the time as kids, but adults are more risk averse. Do something spontaneous and for no other reason than getting to know yourself. See what comes up. Explore.
Connect to the Past
Can you think of other times in your life when you did have confidence or a sense of pride? Even just for a moment? What did that feel like? What were you doing? How did the people around you respond? Getting to know other instances where you were able to feel confident can help you understand the good and bad of your current relationship with pride. Connect to that feeling and those memories again, see what comes up.
Say “No”
A lot of us, especially those who grew up in strong religious households, struggle with knowing when we’re allowed to say “no.” Saying “no” seems like it should be an instinctual thing, like a choice that we make moment to moment, but it’s actually a skill that we build over time. Saying “no” involves self-advocacy and our ability to tolerate the discomfort of someone else’s displeasure. If you struggle to tell others “no,” start with something small. Or maybe even start with a “yes” — like “yes, I want to go to the burger place instead of tacos tonight.” Help yourself learn the skill of tolerating self-advocacy. The parts of you that want to build confidence and pride need you to be able to advocate for them, and a big part of that will be knowing how to say “no.”
Small Changes
Try to stay out of the perfectionist mindset. We’re going for small changes that can build on one another. Changing takes time. Changing is a process. You won’t build self-confidence and pride overnight. Let yourself acknowledge and feel proud about the small changes you’ve made. Try not to give in to the idea that it’s “not enough” or that you aren’t actually making that big of a difference. Think back to the baby at the beginning of this article. She was learning to walk — everyone does that. She fell — everyone does that, too. And yet, we can all relate to the feeling of being proud of a baby’s first steps. Let yourself be proud of your first steps, too.
All of us were born with an intrinsic sense of self-worth and pride. That part of you, the part that holds your self-worth, never went away. It will always be a part of you, untouched by the experiences in your life. But the things you have experienced make it harder to connect to that part of you sometimes. These inner critical voices, others around us, and societal pressures, are all a lot to sift through. But if we’re intentional about it and give ourselves permission to explore, we can all find ways to connect to our truest, pride-filled self again, even if we wobble a little.o
Callan Olive (she/her) is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Indiana and a single mom to four amazing kids. | junipergrovementalhealth.com
Art by Brooke Ochs:
ARTIST STATEMENT
If I Am
Gouache and gold leaf on paper, 20 x 24 in.
This piece addresses my struggles with self-worth. I struggle to believe my innate value due to the way my body does not align with current beauty trends. I am tired of expending resources and effort hoping I can shrink myself down. I am tired of feeling like I am not good enough because of the size of my waist. I am tired of missing opportunities or avoiding situations because I am worried about being judged.
By painting this self-portrait, I am removing any illusions I had about hiding myself or finding flattering clothing that might make me appear smaller. I am owning who I am and what I look like. I am removing the fear of being exposed as not good enough. I am choosing to be proud of who I am and attempting to accept all of myself.
Brooke Ochs | @brookeochsart | brookeochsart.com
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